Wednesday, 30 November 2011

November 30th

So I don't really know where to start with this one, I just have a lot of things to say and get out right now, so here it goes.

So a couple of weeks ago I realized that it has been one year since Village on a diet was here doing the follow up of the town.  I started thinking about how life has changed for me over the course of the year.  Well, I was pregnant for most of it! Little Grace is 12 weeks old today.  I was thinking about where I am now compared to where I was then.  I'm not just talking physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.  I can honestly say wholeheartedly  that I was in a better place then.  Everything was at it's highest then.  My health, confidence, just everything.  It was kinda of shocking when I actually sat down to think about it.  Really, where did I lose myself along the way.  I figured it out. 

I didn't take enough time with myself, my new self, before making the decision to have another child.  Don't take this the wrong way.  I love both of my children and feel truly blessed to be their mother.  I'm speaking from a sense of self.  I went from having tonnes of energy for working out to barely having enough to make it through the day.  Normal first trimester.  To top off how I was feeling, I set unrealistic goals for myself.  I told myself that I wasn't going to gain more then 10-15 lbs. I was doing really well in the first trimester.  Only gained 3 lbs.  As the pregnancy was progressing though, I started getting strange pains. Normal pains, but it was hard to work out with these pains.  Almost like a stitch in your side where you can't stand up properly.  I made a decision at that point that I would just walk and stop going to boot-camp. It was soon after that where I started giving into my cravings more, not going crazy, but more so then I had originally planned.  It seemed at that point, the weight just piled on.  Everyone would say "It's okay, you're pregnant, you're allowed."  I accepted that, deep down I knew that it wasn't ok.  I was on an amazing journey.  At that point I felt that I got off the train for a second and it left with out me.  I know that sounds corny, but that's the best way to describe it. I am an emotional eater. I felt entitled to have what I wanted when I wanted it.  I'm 1 day, 5 days, 8 days over due, I'm going to have cake and chips because I'm pissed.  That was how I felt.  I'm not proud of that.  Like I said earlier, I lost myself along the way.  It's a really sad thing when you realize it.  I stepped on the scale the day before I gave birth to my daughter (10 day's over due) and I was 240 lbs. I cried, I really did.  I had gotten down to 187 and I had let myself go...again.  After giving birth, I was down to 225, then down to 220.  My eating had gotten way off track.  Frozen pizza's were back, kraft dinner was back. I also had a new nemesis...chocolate.  I was having a MR Big bar at least 3 times a week.  I had gone back to mindless eating.  For what? So I could feel happy for a moment. Is that really happiness though? Really? It's not.  I felt like a part of me was gone, and food was my temporary filler. You know what is so bad about eating that way? You feel worse about yourself.  You feel drained.  It had been so long since I had that fire in me and passion, I forgot how it felt.

My passion is back.  My passion for life, for my family, for my health.  It's all back.  It took me being so honest with myself for that to happen.  I had to stop hating myself, and being down on myself for losing that part of me I so desperately wanted back.  I know it's not coming back on it's own.  I have to earn it and work for it.  When you get a taste of how your life can be when you are healthy and happy it is so worth the work.  I am on a new journey now. I am a new person with new goals and I am so excited for life and the challenges it will bring.  Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I will be posting monthly blogs with my progress.  Thanks everyone for your support and inspiration =)